Apparition

It's a strange thing feeling alone in a crowd. It's an awkward feeling as you wander through a crowd on their way to get a burrito or a slice of pizza feeling like you're some lost kite tossed to the winds.

I was walking back from a late class and I felt the bizarre feeling of nothingness flow through my veins. Yes, there was physical blood flowing through them (if there wasn't, this would be a post entitled "I had an aneurysm"). But I didn't feel any life flowing through me at that exact moment. And yet, I was still moving. It was a strange listlessness as I was more or less blowing through life.

Sometimes it might be because I'm trying to put some actual meaning behind why I do what I do, why I get up in the morning, why I go to class, why I do virtually anything. And when I don't find anything, it doesn't gel with my motivational theory of how people go through the daily motions of life. I've already discounted the absence of a reason because A) it's uncomfortable to think about that and B) if there was no reason, I would've mailed it in years ago. I've more or less written it off as a reason that cannot be explained nor or even in the future.

Nonetheless, sometimes I think it's because there's something missing. Something to give me a purpose in my listless wandering around. Something to give it some sort of structure or at least guidance. Raison d'être, if you will. But it also seems some sort of folly to try to chase it down. Instead, it'll find its way to me one way or another.