Dear Old Me

This past weekend I managed (due to the serendipity of the gods or something equally ridiculous) to see Weezer at the Virgin Free Fest. That was probably the most existential I've ever felt without a few scotches in me. As I was rocking out, screaming my ass off, and singing along to most every song they played, I got to thinking about how pumped 13 year old me would've been to see Weezer live in concert. I concluded that 13 year old me would've said "bullshit and snow will fall in hell, you old fogey" and he would've been right about me being an old fogey and I would've shook my cane and told him about the joys of eight track tapes.

In all seriousness, I would've responded with the following letter.

"Dear 13 Year Old Me,

I know life sucks pretty hardcore at this moment. Trust me, I still remember at my 'old' age. And while I'd like to tell you that things will be amazingly improved 9 years later, things haven't really smoothed out. Anyone who's trying to convince you otherwise is just telling you that so you'd feel better and don't do something incredibly stupid. It's still going to be a rough go and you'll be thrown for loops you couldn't image. While it's going to suck, you'll be reinforcing that lesson that you've been learning over and over: you're the only person out there you can depend on. You're the only one who can guarantee that you'll be the #1 priority on their lists. Everyone else is gamble, and you're putting yourself on the line each and every time. Chances are that you're running a pretty high risk each and every time.

That tech thing you've been dreaming about? Give it up. Your reasons for doing it are complete crap. You're not going to fulfill that dream you've had for years about showing up all those mouth-breathing nimrods who made sure that you remembered how low you stood in the pecking order. Just quit on that. You'll discover that passion for history is the way to go, especially if you'd like to reduce the misery quotient. You got enough that's weighing on your mind all the time; don't waste any brainpower on something you quite frankly suck at. That malarkey about 'doing what you love?' They're not moronic hippies; they're right. I wished I realized this earlier and saved a bit of confusion and frustration. Wasting your time just to show up those morons isn't worth the time.

Get used to playing second fiddle. You'll realize that there's someone out there always better than you and to chase them is akin to trying to catch the wind. Don't worry about trying to beat out the competition. Just work on being the best you can absolutely be and completely disregard what everyone else is doing.

A corollary to the previous paragraph is that you're going to be playing with a shorter deck than everyone else. That is a fact that you'll think about more than you'd like, but it's something that's not going to change, no matter how you will it so.

You're time isn't always now; it's always going to be the future. Part of me (the old, grumpy man) says that's crap; the optimistic me (it's somewhere in my soul) says to keep holding out, no matter how difficult it's going to get (and it's going to get rough).

You're probably not going to like the future you at that age. That's fine. At times I wonder what I'm doing. Nine years later, you'll find that you've lost faith in most of humanity. This will trouble you, but after 9 years of sheer and utter bullshit, you're going to start to lose faith in your fellow man to be a genuinely good person. You're going to hold out hope for the most irrational reasons, only to realize that it was a waste of time and you probably should've been doing something else with your life.

You'll find people that you're somewhat comfortable with. However, you're going to get the sense that you're not really with it the entire time, and you're an outsider. At this point in your life, you're used to such sentiments and don't really dwell upon it. Still, the constant discomfort is quite irritating and you wish you could've done it differently. But you can't, so the only thing to do is to live through the constant discomfort.

All is not doom and gloom. You'll have a bit more freedom and you will meet some genuine people who'll stick with you, despite your thoughts that they'll turn and the drop of the hat. You'll pick up new skills that will (god willing) be helpful at some point. Also, you will see Weezer in concert. That won't make up for a lot of the bullshit you've dealt with, but the cathartic experience helps.

--
Future you."

P.S. Profanity is implied.