So for those of you expecting a witty commentary on news...check back in a few. I might feel compelled to discuss something of global note.
(You might want to direct your elementary schooler away from this. Just saying.)
I'm writing this as the mixture of espresso and Bailey's is eating away at my stomach lining, a sort of physical manifestation of my mental state.
Or perhaps not. A sense of pain as a result of a decay would indicate some sort of heed being paid. But in reality, instead of being an agony, it's just a sense of general apathy. It still bothers me, but I'm not going to remedy it. I could go get something to eat to provide some sort of barrier between that devil liquid, but on the other hand I could just adopt a "wait-and-accept" attitude.
There a lot of things that are less than amusing about where I'm taking myself. I'm staring at a career path which is necessary yet less than glamorous, I can barely maintain a semi-meaningful conversation with most of the human populous, and I spend a large portion of my public social interactions in a state resembling a partial panic attack. Hell, sometimes I'm too fucking lazy to maintain my vices. Now how wrong is that? You ever hear an alcoholic just say, "Eh...fuck it. I don't feel like making the effort to score a bottle of cheap scotch. I'll just ride it out with some fruit juice."?
I suppose the apathy has some sort of benefit, such as getting rid of those aforementioned vices that are so damned hard to maintain (cigarette smokers make that shit look real easy -- trust me, maintaining a vice is hard fucking work). But when I'm trying to make sure I don't sound like an ass when chatting up a pretty girl or finding a way to not slam back a scotch before a social encounter it's not helpful.
I don't know if it's that I'm just lazy or if I'm just tired of it all. It's probably a combination of both. I've gotten tired of "improving" and seeing it not work, and so I just give up with the (perhaps) misguided notion that anything that I try to do to better myself is solely to make myself sleep easier and without the help of a double shot of rum on the rocks.
It's an ongoing battle to keep myself motivated a lot of the time to keep trying. "It's a learning experience," a lot of people say to me. Heck, I tell myself that. But dammit, I'm tired of fucking learning. When's the lesson over? And why is my lesson taking so damn long? Great, I just moved forward a couple of feet in a mile long journey while the rest of the travelers can spit a watermelon seed across the finish line. Why should I even bother?
But then, after I calm myself and bring down the overdrive, I realize that I'd rather be a couple of feet on my way than only one foot. Or maybe I just don't care enough to try to finish the mile long journey.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I can understand motivation waxes and wanes, so there are 2 options when it is astronomically low.
If you think what you are doing must be done, then calibrate yourself as you would a machine. Simply remove your emotional world as it relates to your work. you can still have all your wonderful "humanity"; when you're not working on the project. learn to turn it on and off like a faucet.
If what you are doing could be dodged, is only an augmentation on your life, a "plus" but not neccesary; quit. popular wisdom would have you believe that quitting is by nature a bad thing, but often times it simply clears room(in your head, or literally in the room) for more important endeavors.
I'm not surprised no one touched this with their various poles; I hardly think this advice is on level with the question posed. but that's all I have for you
-cobe s
i haven't given an honest effort in regards to trying to be a "machine" so i can't speak to that. i wouldn't recommend quitting because you're in a pretty good spot, and unless things become unbearable, i'd wait to see how things pan out.
like "." said, motivation comes and goes for a lot of people. oftentimes, it's a matter of waiting for something to come along that sparks your interest. i wouldn't recommend forcing it because either: (a) you'll end up feeling exhausted or (b) you won't be able to "force" it and feel even more guilty over your lack of motivation. just do the bare minimum for a while.
Post a Comment