Stop Ruining My State

The one good thing that I hope the Jersey Shore series can show people is that the image of New Jersey is being ruined by people who flock there from other parts of the United States, namely Staten Island. (Sidebar: If you want to see a special on the visitors from Philadelphia, just watch an Animal Planet special on apes or something and pretend there's a beach.) It's them who give the image that the rest of the bozos come up with about New Jersey that the sane and normal people have to live with.

That isn't to say that there are the fair share of bozos and nilly-headed space-using wastes of life that float around the area. There are plenty. I can go retrieve a picture from my high school yearbook if you need proof. What adds to the hilarity is the uproar that they actually protest the "negative" portrayal shown on Jersey Shore. If you check out the Facebook group "MTV Jersey Shore is a disgrace to the Jersey Shore and its inhabitants" you'd probably see plenty of people that embody the sad stereotype that they are protesting against. Just check out some of them who have their pictures available. I've seen some that rarely have a picture outside of a bar and rarely doing anything actually intellectual. Pro-tip folks: if you've ever actually taken a deep look at your sad life, you've probably realized that A) you probably have a crippling headache because that took all the brain cells in your vodka-tonic soaked mind to think about and B) your life is that vacant and superficial.

So that being said, I tried to watch the show juiced up on coffee. This did not last long due to the fact that my attention span was fairly short and I was too jittery to sit still and type. So I put that off, got to other things, and forgot about it. But now that there was a mass snow storm and shopping was out of the question, I decided to pour a glass for myself and provide some analysis of MTV's masterpiece, Jersey Shore.

But of course, I had difficulty sitting through the first minute of the show. The first minute. I could not sit through sixty seconds. That's the amount of time that it take Peyton Manning to throw a touchdown and also somehow set up his team to be in field goal range, and I couldn't sit through watching twenty-something life rejects and their life drama.

Oh snap...your unattached guy left with some unattached girl who left because, you, another unattached girl, had gotten some dude's phone number. This is why I cannot take anything that happens seriously on this show. And it is quite funny that they actually take such things so seriously. I mean, I'm a jittery person and I don't even find myself bothered with the crap they bother themselves with. Granted, I do more in a day than "work" at a t-shirt shop, but nonetheless...

Pro-tip, Sammi: the phrase is "knock a bitch out" or "knock a bitch down," not "knock a bitch up." I'm pretty sure that phrase and ability is only reserved for males. The women's movement can only go so far, and I'm sure if they saw this show, it was not what they had in mind for the future of women.

Judging by how much I'm laughing at the misery Ronnie and Sammi are experiencing at this point, I might qualify as a sociopath. I usually don't take pleasure in people's misery...okay, not this much pleasure. But to actually take their "relationship" seriously is preposterous. The amount of tears they shed isn't anywhere near the amount I've shed when I realized my first fantasy football team wasn't going to make it through the season. I've probably had closer relationships with lady who works at the Administration building cafe. These people investing so much emotion into what are more or less glorified hook-up opportunities bring me irreverent amusement. That or it tells me that I'm soulless and have a heart made of ice formed from the tears of children.

Pro-tip Situation and Vinny: try not to pick up chicks that require a ride home from one of their mothers. Just saying that's a good policy to avoid statutory or a very angry father busting your head in.

MTV is doing an excellent job selling the whole Ronnie-Sammi relationship thing. Except I'm not buying it at all. I was probably right and have a heart of ice.

Ha ha at MTV with the fireworks while Ronnie and Sammi were sweating up the sheets. And what's with the term "smushed?" Come on, folks, get creative.

I wonder if the guys on this show have actually had a deep thought in their lifetime. Somehow they felt that the needed to "freshen up" their tan and haircuts, and go to the gym. I can understand the gym; that's not a bad idea. Haircuts and a tan? I'm pretty sure that mocha hue that you're sporting isn't less mocha-like than it was a few months ago.

"Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point." Oh snap. It's on, son.

Watching them dance sometimes is like watching a Discovery Channel program on an exotic nation. They even have a routine for the fist pump, which involves hitting the ground to "feel the beat" or whatever.

Snookie can't walk back in her heels. What really possesses girls to go out and party in heels? You know there is a high chance of not being able to walk straight, much less in heels. What's the point of wearing them if you know that they'll torture you? If you really look good, you'll look good regardless of whether or not you're wearing heels or flats. Might I suggest flats? It'd make the walk a lot easier. Plus, you won't be one of the masses walking around carrying your heels while stumbling around in your bare feet. As someone who's wandered around in Adams Morgan a couple of times, I've more or less discerned that it's better for all parties involved.

When you have to say "I think his/her name is...", that should be a major red flag. At least get the name straight.

Man...pizza looks good. I can't believe that I'm fantasizing about those huge Adams Morgan pizzas now. I never thought I'd say that, but damn, those slices of pizza were good. And I'm a major pizza snob.

Two guys, four girls...such a dilemma. Other dilemma: Saying "more cuter." Then again, if your nickname is "The Situation," we're not exactly expecting much out of you. And we're not expecting you to actually not be shallow either.

I love the use of war terms here. "Grenade," "heavy fire," and "bulletproof vest" apparently are all terms you can use while you're hooking up. While as a war nerd, I think it's somewhat interesting and hilarious, nonetheless, the metaphors are lost at this point.

"You better call me." "I will." Ha...yeah right. And I'm the King of Great Britain. I wouldn't be waiting by the phone for that phone call, ma'am.

If your first step to "growing up" is on an MTV show, you really have to step up the "growing up" process a bit. I figure that there'd be some steps you'd be taking at your age to adulthood.

"Typical fraternity college losers." And what are you doing with your life, my friend? I don't think you're doing much better.

And then there's the scene where Snookie gets socked in the face. MTV probably shouldn't have used it as a selling point for the show. That is a given. Also glad that they took the time to display a message about abuse to women. Glad that they could sneak a meaningful message into the show.

And that ends the show and the review. Hope you enjoyed that diatribe. See you whenever I feel like reviewing the next episode.